Memo to people who travel on buses and planes: Yes, I am aware that the seats recline. But seriously, do you have to push them all the way back so that you're basically sitting in my lap and I can barely move without kicking you in the head (which, I don't feel that bad about cause really? you're a dick) and then you're up against my knees, which I can't help but then you feel the need to keep pushing your seat into them because you're annoyed they're there BUT I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO GO BECAUSE YOU'RE SO FAR BACK! Nice way to start a day or better yet, the 2 hour plane ride from hell before I have to disembark and go to a 5 hour meeting where people will ask me to do everything from take notes to take out the trash to adjust the thermostat and make copies. So, stop being a self-entitled jerk and put the seat up. Cause one of these days, coffee might actually make its way onto that nicely pressed suit you have on due to turbulence.

Do you think it's normal to receive emails from people at 7 p.m. on a Friday night to do work? With deadlines at like Monday at ten? Cause, if you're that person then you're working under the assumption that I will be checking my email on the weekend or you basically forgot to tell me sooner and are just cya'ing to say you got it to me before the week is out. Either way--you suck.

Idiots.

I have recently been told that I need to learn to "delegate more". Here is why I hate delegating:

Me: Hi, did you do that thing I asked you in a very polite and slightly apologetic tone and gave you about three or four days to complete?
Her: No, but I did that other thing you asked me for a while back.
Me: Yes, and I appreciate that, but that was about two weeks ago. I kind of needed what I asked done for this week. It's a really important meeting. I have 40 people coming in from out of town.
Her: Well, then you know what they say, If you want something done right, you should do it yourself! I'm very busy choosing items from my Avon catalogue. And besides, I totally did that other thing, so I don't know why you're upset. I can't do everything you know.
Me: Why? Why? WhYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

Sunday night is the worst. After drinking far too much on Saturday night, you spend the majority of Sunday realizing: you're not nearly as young as you used to be and can't bounce back and start drinking again for at least two weeks, you turn into your 18 year old self when you drink hard liquor (read: crying and dramatic=not cool), you've wasted an entire day being too lazy to change the channel so you've wound up basically watching Golf and Nascar and yet content to do nothing at all. But after spending all day doing nothing and reveling in being lazy and happy it dawns on you how much it sucks that you have to get up and go to work tomorrow and have to be an ADULT. Who decided on the five-day work week? The 8 hour day that starts at 9? When was all this decided? And who then thought it would be a good idea to start screwing with that and making it 8:30-5:30 to make up for the lunch hour? Ugh, and then you have the people that are up at like 4:30 in the morning and are chipper without coffee and stroll over to your desk and are like: "This weekend I resided my house, put in new floors, ran a mini marathon and cooked for the homeless. And this morning, I got up, worked out for like an hour and a half, reorganized my files, set up three meetings, finished a presentation and ate some really delicious oatmeal. Why do you look so tired?" And I can't even function prior to coffee and this person is right in my face and I am now contemplating how I can accidently on purpose spill said coffee on them so that they just stop being so damn perky and energetic and productive. I really hate Sunday nights.

I was in a meeting the other day for an interminable about of time. But that's not the worst part. No, the worst part was the guy across the table who would not stop creepily staring at me, and therefore I was FORCED to watch the people talking the whole time, lest I make eye contact with this guy and receive uber weirdo smile, like, does my job title turn you on? A little? Ugh. Gross. At first I thought I was paranoid until the next day when my boss was like, "Why was dude staring at you the whole time? I was gonna move you across the table!" which I appreciate her protectiveness but it did have a slight feel of when you get your seat moved in bio class.

You know, it's amazing I've ever gotten a job, cause something terrible always happens on my way to interviews. I get lost, I get stuck in traffic, I say the wrong name. But my favorite had to be that at my current job, they told me to be there at 8:30, no one got there until 9 to let me in, then they put me in a cubicle to wait for about an hour until someone REMEMBERED that I was there and then that person had to got a meeting, so I totally wound up being interviewed by a random manager who completley had no idea what job I was there for and basically said, Well, I'm gonna say that I think they should hire you! I'd feel bad, except there have been people who have gotten it so much worse. Someone actually FLEW IN for an interview and then the boss just didn't show up to meet them (I'm told she had a hair appt. but I refused to believe that), and told the secretery to make it up to them with a pen and pencil set. I kid you not. Another time, someone just left a person in a conference room, no one went and got them, and we found them wandering the halls a half an hour later.

Top 5 most hateful interview questions:

* So, where do you see yourself in five years (Why it's hateful: Honestly, how do you answer that without sounding like you read how to answer that on careerbuilder.com?)
* So, what are your weaknesses (Why it's hateful: It's a total sham question. You're not supposed to admit to any weaknesses, but you also can't say crap like, Well, my perfectionist tendencies sometimes make it hard for me not to give 150% and that can be annoying to my less than motivated colleagues.)
* So, what didn't you like about your last boss (Why it's hateful: I have been asked this question and it's awful because you can't say anything that might not get you in trouble later, thus eliminating almost anything that can spontaneously come to your head, so if you're not prepared and hesitate it comes off like, how do I not say that he was a total sexually harassing, incompetent, arrogant ass?)
* So, would you consider yourself a team player? (Why it's hateful: who else besides a mortician would get to answer no and still think that they had a chance in hell?)
* So, who do you know that scored you an interview here (Why it's hateful: Ha, I totally made that one up, but in all those cocky lawyer shows that sexy, smarmy attorney always asks the new kid on the block that one. But I bet you, there are a ton of people who want to ask this one so they need to know if they should kiss your ass or not.)

If I didn't live my life, I wouldn't believe some of the stories that I tell. Seriously, sometimes I do wonder about some random force scripting out situational comedies and I'm the real-life version with my cringe inducing antics. For the most part, and you'd never know it from reading this, I'm fairly respected at work. People ask my opinion, they seek out my advice and input, I've even heard the word "competent" associated with my name. That does not mean however that I am not also that woman who runs into work about 15 seconds before a conference call is to start, jacket half off, hair askew, out of breath, coffee spilled down the front of her shirt, panicking. Cause, I am. Not all the time. There are days that I manage to leave the house at a reasonable time, pick out my outfit the night before, walk at a brisk pace to the train and arrive with a nice window to get to the office. But, let's say it's not the 3rd Monday of an odd numbered month in which the stars have aligned perfectly to allow me not to embarrass myself. Let's say, it's today. A day in which I have a call promptly at nine a.m. Let's examine what happens:

8:58:01: Running through the hallway to get to my desk
8:58:15: Turn on the computer as it agonizingly turns on
8:58:45: Email won't open
8:59:02: Log back on to the computer
8:59:20: Email won't open
8:59:22: Log back on to the computer
8:59:32: Email now finally opens
8:59:55: Find the invite to the call and dial in
9:00:00: Realize that I'm on someone else's call and hear "Hello? Who just joined? Hello?" Hang up quickly.
9:00:10: Decide to actually read my emails to see if there were any changes
9:00:15: Find the right dial in number and dial in
9:01:00: Waiting
9:02:00: Waiting
9:03:00: Waiting
9:04:00: Waiting
9:05:00: Waiting
9:06:00: Oh, here they are!! I was about to put into effect the 5 minute rule.
9:15:00: My cell phone rings. Ooh, it's my friend that I haven't talked to in awhile. Eh, I'm not running this call, I can take it.
9:15:17: Me saying "Yeah, I'm on a really boring conference call"
9:15:18: The phone is not on mute
9:15:19: "Hello, is someone talking?"
9:15:20: Majorly thankful that I had the phone away from my mouth.
9:15:21: IM from fellow worker with a "Everyone thinks it's boring, no one actually says it.LOL"

As I watch the Academy Awards, I sometimes wish I was an actor. Be paid to look good, have Ryan Seacrest fawn over you, Joan Rivers ask inappropriate questions, awesome goodie bags just for showing up! I know they complain about the lack of privacy, but it can't be any worse than growing up where I did, where in a hot minute everyone finds out that your boyfriend dumped you for that girl that he got pregnant after he gave you the Clap (this did not happen to me, but I know someone that it did). Come on, Hollywood is just one big small town. Imagine if our regular office jobs had such perks? "Thanks for coming to this meeting guys. You'll all find under your seats gift certificates to Bliss spa and a brand-new Swatch." Ooooh, or when you walked in, it was someone's job to be like, "Hi Marie, that suit is stunning. Who are you wearing?" or "I hear that you're up for a promotion. Is this your first? How do you feel?" That'd be great. Hell, we get performance reviews all the time, so I could even take on the critics. "I really didn't think that the way she ran that meeting was her best work. Did you see the Sales conference of 2004? That was the pinnacle of her career; she set expectations so high and she's had several duds since then. Remember the December offsite? Awful. And do you see that dress she is wearing? Who told her that yellow was a good color?"

I kind of hate having people report to me. I'm loathe to ask anyone to do anything for me, half the time knowing if I just did it myself, it'd get done quicker. But most importantly, the girl that reports to me constantly asks questions that make me feel like I have to justify why I am asking her to do stuff. Sadly the answer "Cause it's your job?" doesn't seem to resonate as much with her as it does with me. I've never asked my boss, "So really what's in this for me?" and I can be as snarky and complaining as the rest of 'em. It just never occurred to me like, "Huh, I see where you're going with this whole paycheck and work thing, but yeah, I'm still not feeling completely sold on your intent here. Try again." Those damn Lending Tree commericals have ruined it for everyone.

I hate:
People that have everything they own monogramed.
People who give nasty criticism and call it "feedback"
People who start sentences with "Don't take this personally but..." and proceed to say things you can't help but take personally
People who CC your boss on emails unnecessarily
People who hit "Reply All"
People who stand at your cubicle while you're on the phone, sighing, pacing, rolling their eyes and then when you say, "Can I help you" they say "Oh, I'll just wait until you're off the phone"
People who when you get off the phone for their very important question, get distracted trying to to read what is on your computer
People who you catch reading the notes on your desk when you come back from the bathroom and go "Oh, hey, I was looking for you!"
People who won't look you in the eye when they talk to you