I'm sad today. I might need an intervention. On a call this morning I made two lame jokes and, AND, actually said the words (god, I'm cringing as I write this, but they say owning up to things is the best thing to do): So we can talk live?!!! I mean, I'm the one who always responds to that with "Can we can talk dead? Are you suggesting a seance?" AND I'M THE ONE WHO SAID IT THIS TIME. HELP ME!!!! It's happening. I'm slowly being brainwashed. Pretty soon I'll be able to talk for fifteen minutes without saying anything. And I'll turn to my coworkers who leave at five and say "Half day Phil?" or "Keeping bankers hours are we?" And then I'll need...a blackberry!

I'm so disgusted with myself, I'm putting 5 dollars in my "Fines for talking like a corporate idiot" jar. Ugh.

Funny meeting note. Well, I think it's funny when someone brings up a point, goes on for ages, starts getting alternately angry and sad and finally finishes with a "So there!" and is deemed a total crazy person for the day. And then there is complete silence. The people on the phone are like WTF and the people in the room are not looking at each other, for fear of making eye contact that will inevitably lead to snickering and laughter, which may just anger them further. So everyone sits there for like two minutes until the highest level person in the room says, "Okay, anything else?" and even though the meeting is supposed to go on for another hour it's just over. Hey wait, come to think of it, maybe that person is not crazy at all--but a genius!!

I have a lot of friends who work in the medical field. I hate complaining about my job to them. I mean, these are people dealing with real life and death issues and I'm all like, yeah, my spreadsheet got all fucked up and I got yelled at for like five minutes. And then my friend whose a PA is like, yeah I totally killed someone last night because I didn't give them the right medicine. Or my friend who works with autistic kids tells me well, one of the kids jumped across the table and bit me. There's always that dead silence on the line, as I'm trying to figure out what to say next that makes me not sound like a total ass. But usually I stay humbled for about a day, forgetting the lesson learned and bitch about it again.

Automated systems were supposed to give you quick access to information you need. Check your balance, see if a payment was received, etc. You know what it's not good for--actual questions. Actual needs. I mean, freakin' hell, how hard is it to hire people who can answer your questions? Seriously. I know that this is also a big place that companies outsource to other countries. That makes complete sense to me--I mean, would the language barrier be at all a problem?

My favorite is when you ask a question that it is not on the FAQs. There's this HUGE sigh of resignation like, wow I might actually have to ANSWER this question. I'm on hold right now to Vivaldi. I have been for the past ten minutes. The woman didn't even let me ask my question. She heard the topic, freaked out, and put me on hold. Thanks lady! I don't have anything better to do while you breathe into a paper bag and recite Steven Covey's the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to yourself. Oh wait, she's back. This is an actual transcription of the call,

Me: "Hi. I have a question on (this form that I describe) that is due tomorrow."
Her: "HOLD ON."
Hold music.
Her "Ok. That form is due tomorrow."
Me: "Ok. That's not what I asked. You didn't let me ask my question."
Her: "Yes, I did. That form is due tomorrow."
Me: "I know that. It says it on it. That's not what I need to know."
Her: "HOLD ON."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. And disconnected. I can't blame corporate America because this is the government. I'll wait while you express disbelief that a government agency is poorly run.

My other favorite is when you have a $1500 piece of machinery in front of you that has basically spazzed out and you're on with tech support. And then they basically read from a manual to you asking questions to which mostly the answer is, "Look, I know how to do Excel and Word and open Internet Explorer. I don't know how to reconfigure a hard drive. That's why I have you!!!" "Yeah, uh, hold on, uh, one minute....uh....hmmm. Can you give me a few more key words. I mean, describe your problem again?"

And yes, this annoys the hell out of me, because people are getting laid off everyday in favor of machines and automated systems and whatever else, and I know that people can be incompetent, but spend the money to train them or hire someone with the skill. It's necessary. These shortcuts are just not working. I can't even make these phone calls from my office on my lunch hour because I wind up having a conversation with a computer:
Computer: If this is what you want, say "Yes"
Me: Yes
Computer: I did not understand what you said. If this is what you want, say "Yes"
Me: Yes
Computer: Sorry, I did not understand what you said. If this is what you want, say "Yes"
Me: No
Computer: You said, "More information." Is this correct?
Me: I hate you and I hope you die.
Computer: Thank you. Transferring your call.

There is a new game I like to play when I'm on conference calls: How many buzzwords can people string together to form a sentence so that they can avoid saying actually anything. So far the top winner has 30. I'm hoping that I can start baiting them to use words and see what gibberish comes out and putting that in meeting minutes. Hey--I take my fun where I can.

When someone says that they "need" a blackberry, I must question them. Really, you need it? Like water, and food and air? Or is it really that you need to feel important. So that when you're at a meeting you can say, "Hold on, let me check my blackberry, it never stops!" or at family functions, or church, or the supermarket. I mean, people will see it and think, wow, you are so freakin' important you can't get milk and bread without someone needing you!! Ugh. It's so ridiculous. Why can't we as a culture ever just disconnect (I say this while typing three IMs and watching TiVo but still...at least it's voluntary electronic bombardment)

It was recently suggested that I get a blackberry. I politely refused and then this person had to bring it up once again in front of a bunch of AVPs and VPs like, "I really think you should get one" to which I said the following "I don't think I'm important enough to warrant a blackberry. And come to think of it, has there been a major invention in the last twenty years that has signficantly changed our lives? I mean the car was early 20th century, the computer but what else?" He looked at me as if I had gone mad because all of a sudden this progressed into a major debate among the other people in the meeting--which was quite hilarious as they tried to convince each other of some major achievement only to be shot down and then to come up with some futuristic ideas. I didn't participate, but I did sit back and laugh at how I had successfully avoided getting a device that would literally put me in 24/7 contact with the who says things like, "That word is not part of our company's lexicon" or "Let's go after the low hanging fruit".

As busy as I pretend to be and as crazed as I legitimately feel, I do spend a lot of time doing things other than creating agendas and awesome spreadsheets. I harass my friend Freddy Longpants, IMing him with my inane observations and bizarre questions throughout the day. I'm sure he loves it; but he does take the time to answer me and I appreciate that. Cause I have to say he gives my brain a much needed outlet and vacation that I need during the mind-numbing crap I have to consider during the day. I try to talk to my coworkers but it only gets to a certain point before we're staring at each other like, "yeah...so...." or they're asking me really personal questions about work that I'm petrified will wind up in a performance review (like, what do you really think of the VP?). And this is what happens when the majority of your friends are teachers or in the medical field. I think that they are actually busy during the day.

I'm not an Entertainment junkie, but those websites are the most interesting. EW Pop Candy, Eonline and my personal favorite television I constantly scout out stuff for me to read during the day. Feel free to put your time wasting websites up here (and nothing that has bartenders making out with each other please)There was this Dilbert cartoon about how the computer screen was so turned that no one could walk by and see what was going on and a coworker forwarded it to me with a "Look familiar? Ha! Just get a privacy screen idiot; you're not fooling anyone". My computer is turned so much that I'm almost in my filing cabinets. I miss having an office. Because those of us with so much access to private information should completely have cubicles (story for another day).

But be careful what you look at while you're at work. There are of course the friends whose forwards YOU NEVER OPEN on the event that your boss walks by and there's some sick porn thing that you can't close quickly enough and you'll need to bleach your brain to forget. Speaking of bleaching your brain--never let your curiosity make you actually click on a love workshop hosted by Starr Jones. Just don't do it. Your day is over if you do. Trust me.

I think commuting is the worst way to start a day. I mean truly, what sucks more than being trapped with all these people, mostly going to someplace they can't stand, many without their morning coffee, who are trying to avoid eye contact and you wind up reading the stupid ads for the Bahamas over and over again (which I get the point about putting them there so you can think, wow, I'd rather be there than her. I just wind up thinking, wow that looks awesome, I wish I had the money and the time off, cause the place I'm going should provide both, but well, no, and so I just get sad that I can't be on the beach at that moment).

And just as the train picks up speed and you've settled into the fact that yes, another day has started, you get stuck--that's the worst. Cause everyone starts getting really agitated, staring at their watches, sighing and being all like, I can't believe this. And sometimes they get mad at their fellow passengers, like we have something to do with this. I mean, really angry and all like, there's a meeting I have to attend! Look, I'll be honest, I wait until the last possible second to get up and leave the house, so I know for a fact I'm always cutting it a little close, meaning if I get stuck, I'm screwed. I've accepted this fate. I could be more ambitious and proactive, and leave a bit earlier so I wouldn't be stresed out, but I'm not gonna do that cause a. what would i complain about and b. eh, I have a routine. So there. But I am not one of those people taking my rage out on others who are probably having just as crappy a morning as I.

I mean, yes, it's shocking that the subway system would not work properly. I'm surprised though at the frequency in which I am late due to: congestion, sick passenger, train ahead of us, broken rail, electrical problem, red signal, and my favorite "police activity". My boss does not take said subway system to work and therefore does not have to endure this--and I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm making it up. But seriously, between the people who squish you in the seat, or decide today's the day that they're gonna act out their exhibitionist fantasies, or hover over you or whatever other annoying thing that they do, is it even possible not to get to work exhausted and ready for it to be over?

Someone must explain the following statement to me: "We have to agree that what we agreed upon is what we actually agree on." And that was followed up with a "It's like compelete agreement."

My friends this is a statement from a VP at a meeting with me today. HOW DO YOU TRIPLE AGREE?

I hate, hate, hate conference calls. Talk, talk, talk for hours on end. Today, I was on this call and I have to say, I'm not sure why. But I put this stupid headset on, put the phone on mute, and put my head in my hands.

Totally fell asleep. Yes, I fell asleep at my desk. I was awoken to the sound of my name and an angry few words. I totally had to recover and I'm not sure if I fooled anyone.

I'm not really bitter about all of this. I think I'm more sad, and it all just sounds bitter. See, one my biggest pet peeves is incompetence. Most people think that incompetence is when you can't do something. But I disagree. Incompetence is when you can't do something because you simply won't try or truly believe it's beneath you. If you honestly can't get something or don't understand that is not incompetence. However, if you have a printer in your office AND an assistant and you work in New York and then you call someone in Florida to call someone in New York--where you already are!-- to print out a document for you, that is incompetence. And then because your secretary took some "initiative" and printed it out for you and now you have god forbid two copies of something, feel free to wave around the offending three pieces of paper and act like someone just signaled for the fall of the company. A completely reasonable reaction. And no I'm not making that scenario up. I only wish I were.

But the depressing thing about corporate life, is that there are always incompetent people making it to the top and the ones that actually do the work are shuffled to the side or "not playing the game" or whatever other reasons people come up with that the other person will eventually not get a promotion or moved to a job that better "fits their skill set". It's really one of the reasons I'd be scared of being successful--it would mean that I've lost all touch with reality and I can't staple something together on my own.

Why do people call me and leave a message that says, "I'm on my way in, in the car right now. Okay, I really need to speak with you and go over some things. So, check my calendar and set up a meeting." First off this message is being left for me at 10 to 9 which, come on. This couldn't wait ten minutes? Is it really that important that people in other cars see you on your phone, waiving your hands around like you're on an important call, when all you're really doing is leaving me a completely pointless message? Do you think that so and so in the car next to you is thinking, "Wow, he must be really important. Look at how he moves his hands in the air! I must take down his license plate and find out his name so I can get him a job with my company!" Please.

Secondly, why are you calling me to tell me that you really need to talk to me and then leave it with "set up the meeting". How about no. How about you're the the one who wants to chat YOU SET UP THE MEETING. It's such a passive agressive way of being like I'm super busy but we simply must have this meeting where I'm going to give you all this work to do that I will then in turn take credit for and you're a peon so you have to find the time to talk to me and I'm more important than you so neener neener neener. It's like the office equivalent of a dick measuring contest, only I'm a chick and I'm not playing. So really you're just twisting in the wind out there big guy.

I recently got a promotion. However it was the type of promotion that prompted my collegues to ask "Don't you already do this? How is this better?" to which I have only one reply, "Well, they just made all the bullshit official". Actually--almost. Apparently my salary hasn't been negotiated yet. I found this out AFTER I said okay, so really put a damper on teh whole "yay promotion" thing. But that's not the worst of it. Socially awkward managers also feel compelled to be "human" to you and offer a congratulations. I think it's because they feel it makes them look like they're reaching out to the little folks and they can say, "I'm one of you too!" and on the off chance you sleep with the right person to get you to the top, you'll remember that they weren't a total jack ass.

I got the oddest egreeting telling me that this is my chance and to knock it out of the park. OOOOOOOOOOOOokay, wait as I step up to the plate and swing for the fences and ooh, let's hope that there's no need to invoke three strikes and you're out. Sports metaphors can be fun but with some people, it just sounds like a pathetic attempt to relate without their nifty Consultant to English speak book handy. So yes, I also get a note that says: Well this is an achievement that is significant. So now does the work begin to expand exponentially? Which, what the hell? How about a "Good luck" or "Good job" or something that USES REAL WORDS. I wrote back, "No, why are you planning on putting something on my desk?" to which I got the reply and I kid you not, "LOL, HA HA HA YOU'RE SO FUNNY, ROFLMAO." I need a new job.

I don't know why but I think it's a common observation that the higher up you go on the corporate ladder, the less aware of your surroundings you are. Executives seem to think that the rules that apply when you're alone in your house, can now be applied to an office full of people. They seem to believe that they can yell numerous nonsensical things at all times, expecting people to nod and agree. Or they hand you things on little post-its with words like "Meeting broccoli, jim, yellow" and god forbid you ask for "clarification" you realize your job is on the line unless you can string together something that makes this crazy person think that they're a genius.

Additionally, even though they become more dependent on complicated electronics, the less they can use the ones that have been around forever--such as fax machines and copiers. Anyway, one morning I come in and the boss is frantically pressing buttons on the fax machine. It took me a minute but I realized that she was making copies on the fax machine instead of using the copy machine that was about 2 feet away. The woman who runs my department makes about $250K a year. Yet, she was stymied by how to turn on the copy machine (the HUGE GREEN BUTTON THAT SAYS ON apparently was a mystery. Maybe if it talked).